Do we just wake up one day and realize that we have crossed the line into over-commitment land. That place where
we are so over-committed we feel like we are drowning. Have you ever been there in that space?
I have. My clients have. My job is to help them with their behavior of stopping the over-commitment tendency. It is hard. Yet, it can be done.
It is a quiet, sneak process.
My experience, and that of my consulting clients, is that doesn’t happen all at once. It is a quiet, sneaky process.
Here’s how it works.
Initially, we say “yes” to a single request because at the time it sounded like something we were interested in and had time for.
“Can you be president of our amazing chapter? You would be so good at it.”
Yes. I think I will like the visibility of that role and being able to contribute more than I have.
The next request comes in, just a few days later.
“We would love for you to head up the fundraising committee – no one else has ever come close to the level that you, as a leader, raised five years ago. You are SO good at building the team and making it happen.”
Yes. Flattery will get the “yes”. Yes, I did do an awesome job before so I can do it again. It will be easy. I know how to do this.
Requests keep coming
The next request comes in, just a week later.
“There is an open position on the School Board. You would do such a great job for the community. You will likely run unopposed, so you won’t have to spend time running a campaign.”
Yes. I have always wanted to be part the leadership for our school district. Here is my chance.
Sigh. More requests keep coming. You have not said No in forever.
The self-talk and reality
After the cumulative YES’s add up, you realize the reality. Uh oh. I am truly over-committed. I said yes without considering my capacity of time for my family, my church, my job, and even myself.
Now what do I do? How do I get out of what I have committed to and still save face?
Why can’t I say no? Why do I want to please everyone except myself? Am I really an idiot for doing this?
Ewwwww. We have not-so-kind words for ourselves. We try to keep up and do it all, and we are exhausted.
You are not alone
Over-commitment easily happens every day. It is a common occurrence, especially for those of us who are people-pleasers. We want to help others, sometimes even to the detriment of ourselves and our family.
What do you do?
There are four steps to be mindful of and implement immediately.
- The requesters sincerely want you to take on the specific task. Most understand if you say no. They just want an answer of Yes or No from you. If the answer is No, they will likely (and easily) move onto the next likely candidate and ask them to do that role or task. Say no and let them move on. Do not say Maybe to them. That is not fair or nice.
- Establish a rule with yourself that before you say YES to any future requests, that you fully understand what is involved with the commitment: time, focus, and mind space. If it’s not clear, then say No.
- Take time to create a Criteria List comprising of 3-4 items that a request must pass before you say Yes. The statements on the Criteria List must honors you, your family and your life. Your loved ones will thank you for (finally) taking a stand on how you use your time.
- Do a Calendar Review once a month to see how you are progressing on minimizing over-commitment. To do this, rate yourself on how over-committed you feel inside on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being out of control. Looking back on previous month, highlight calendar entries on where you spent time that contributed to over-commitment. Decide how to “unhook” that commitment.*
An example of a Criteria List:
I am willing to dedicate up to 2 hours (your number of hours may be different) per week if:
- It is an organization I am passionate about – its cause, its leadership
- I can use my natural talents, easily and without added drama
- Have reviewed my calendar and have capacity of time
- I will commit fully and show up fully
One of my best examples is a client of mine who volunteered to be Treasurer of a service organization for one year. It was an organization she believed in and wanted greater visibility. She did not have a Criteria List to help her decide whether to do this or not. If she had one, she would have immediately said No, because point #2, 3 and 4 did not fit. She is in her peak season in her job, not proficient at numbers, and knows she will have a hard time fully committing.
Be intentional with your time
The overall message is that before we say Yes, we think about how it impacts other areas of our life.
How we use our time does matter. We don’t save time; we substitute time. If we are overcommitted in our life to serve others, then we have chosen to substitute our sacred time that might be best used for family, self or our job.
Being aware and intentional will save you from the curse of over-commitment. Don’t let it sneak up on you again!
*Lauren can help you with a Calendar Review. Reach out to her.